Charles Bukowski: Factotum.

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery― isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”

― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

Ever Regret Waiting for Someone?

Ever regret waiting for someone? This is not a regular cheery morning post, where you open up your eyes and find your lover snuggled in a comfy blanket with you, yet an ode to melancholy for the lovers who are still unable to figure out whatever is happening in their love life. We all tend to go through such a phase, not just one time, but multiple times with multiple people where we learn and unlearn many experiences that we had in our past. Past is the ugliest word etymology has ever invented and trust me if I had a superpower, I would have eliminated this word, along with its denotation. Being the humans, we all tend to do some life-experiments because, well, life doesn’t come with a handbook where we can find a solution to every malfunction that takes place. We are like the un-tamed animals who are exposed to the live wires. Some of us manage to survive the shock considering the type of wire we have touched, while the rest cries to death. Some experiments become our success while others either cause a major setback or the minor wreckage, depending upon the intensity of damage they cause to our heart.

It is 11:21 am in the morning when you suddenly wake up due to a strange noise. Upon checking your phone you see that your beloved is still on call, sleeping. You call his name several times yet he doesn’t respond. You disconnect the call and call back again to wake him up because you miss him like hell, yet all in vain as the call fails to connect. You try not to sleep back despite the fact that your eyes were sticking together with the bond of sleep, and decide to wait for your beloved to wake up. Getting up from the bed, you go wash your face with several splashes of water and the frothy lather of the facewash to rinse away all the early-June sebum on your face. You are continuously checking up on your cell-phone, or on your lover in other words. Then being a desperate thing that you are, you call him two more times but he is still fast asleep. So you decide to wait for him and open up your laptop, watch useless things to kill the time, and at around 12:00 pm, your mother calls you for some house chores. You return back after almost 15 minutes and find him awake. Overloading with the joy you read his two texts, well one-word texts to your uncountable messages expressing your love for him and telling him how much you were missing him while he was asleep. This disturbs you a little, yet you reply to him with the same energy and content as ever. 

You ask him if he wants to talk to you but he doesn’t reply and after two minutes of awkward wait, he asks you to go and study. You ask him whatever is the matter but he gives a reply that reflects irritation and lack of concern so you turn off your mobile phone’s screen to avoid any further argument. Low-key your heart knows that he will call you in any second now, however, the call is never made from the other side, so you turn on the screen, open up the chat, and see that your beloved is gone. Angry and disappointed, you call him yourself but to your joy, his phone is also turned off. Now you are sitting in extreme sadness, thinking could mornings get any better than this? This is where regret steps in. Now here is the trickiest part where you can either beat the doubt and come out of the unnecessary trouble that we are in a habit of creating in our minds or become a victim to this plague. 95% of the troubles in our life are a result of doubts and the fact that we don’t try to clear things out.

However, I find it very distressing when someone is waiting desperately for you to wake up in the morning so he could love you, and tell that you mean the world to him. How he smiles to himself while waiting for you, thinking how blessed he is to have you in his life, excited to talk to you, hear your voice, and laugh on the small things with you. However, when you wake up, his world is turned upside down because of your least concerned, non-considerate, and ignoring attitude; sufficient enough to ruin their day entirely, a day that is made by your smile and wraps up around your love and presence. The dozens of his messages being replied by one-word texts of yours can literally tear his heart into pieces and trust me this damage could be extremely toxic for the foundations of any relationship.

It goes both ways, you expect things from other people but in return, you also have to make compromises. Sometimes we give up the things we have treasured so much just for the happiness of our loved ones. Try not to mention each others’ flaws every time, and if you feel that something is wrong, unpleasant or not as you both have planned in the first place, if your mood is upset or you feel like doing something or not doing anything, just spit it out because spitting is better than choking to death. Try to make healthy conversations and laugh as much as you could. Avoid mentioning anything from the past that could hurt somebody’s feelings and live your present as beautifully and wholly as you could. Also, if you find that the relationship is not working at any cost, leave gracefully because its okay to have differences, it’s okay if two people fail to understand or manage each other’s feelings, beliefs, and emotions. Life is too short to hide things from the one you love the most. Keep your love life as simple, your expectations minimalistic and efforts as majestic as you can.

“We all fall in love, and love is beautiful, yet everything that is beautiful, nurtures in the cocoon of trickery.”

To Theo van Gogh: Wheat Field with Crows.

I feel such a creative force in me: I am convinced that there will be a time when, let us say, I will make something good every day , on a regular basis….I am doing my very best to make every effort because I am longing so much to make beautiful things. But beautiful things mean painstaking work, disappointment, and perseverance.

—Vincent Van Gogh

To Theo Van Gogh: August 14, 1879.

“It’s better that we feel something for each other rather than behave like corpses toward one another, the more so because as long as one has no real right to be called a corpse by being legally dead, it smacks of hypocrisy or at least childishness to pose as such… The hours we spent together in this way have at least assured us that we’re both still in the land of the living. When I saw you again and took a walk with you, I had the same feeling I used to have more than I do now, as though life were something good and precious that one should cherish, and I felt more cheerful and alive than I had been for a long time, cause in spite of myself life has gradually become or has seemed much less precious to me, much more unimportant and indifferent. When one lives with others and is bound by a feeling of affection one is aware that one has a reason for being, that one might not be entirely worthless and superfluous but perhaps good for one thing or another, considering that we need one another and are making the same journey as traveling companions. Proper self-respect, however, is also very dependent on relations with others.”

― Vincent Van Gogh

One Way Or Another, We Have To Deal With Our Problems, Ourselves.

Life could get really dark sometimes. You want to cry, but choke on your own sobs. You want to pour your heart out in front of someone, yet you are not sure who is the right person. Siblings, family, parents and friends, all seem to be those obnoxious dreams which were once beautiful, yet are over before you even realize that they weren’t real. No matter how devastated you might feel in such hours of agony and destitute, always remember that such turning points are not the tragic endings of your story.

Your life is supposed to be the beautiful plot which shall be written by you, yourself. No matter how aching your swollen eyes might get after crying for a long time, without anybody noticing, you shall keep your spirits high. Easy to say, while immensely painful to experience, I know that no advice could make you feel better, no arms could provide you the warmth and no medicine can heal your headache, yet we are bound to move. We shall move on and this is the bitter reality of life. No matter how many hours straight it rains cats and dogs on your pillow at night, you have to wear the perfect rainbow vibe on your face to adjust in this society, without being judged by the people to be a crybaby, or worst an attention seeker.

You are strong and nothing could ever go horribly wrong in ones life. What might seem to be a chainsaw, could just be the chain of a broken bicycle. 😀 Prepare yourself for the toughest journeys as life is never going to get slow and easy for any of us. We have to run faster with time or else it has a tendency to crush us just like a train never spares a thing in its way. You have to be strong! You must not give up!

One way or another, we have to deal with our problems ourselves. Nobody is going to clean your spilt milk. You were the one who caused the mess, so you should take the responsibility and at-least try to mend the broken pieces. I know life could be brutally harsh at times, but complaining can never make it bearable, in fact ranting without working for the solution can lead us on the verge of breakdown. Such situations can get worse, you might even get suicidal or want to jump off a cliff, but who cares? It would be you, your corpse lying in the darkest pits of the wild, animals shredding your flesh apart. Does it make any difference? Why then? Even if we are falling apart from the inside, let it be, we can’t control our emotions sometimes. We can’t calm our nerves all the time, yet we can smile and pretend that everything is alright until death embraces us and we depart to an eternal home of solace. Sometimes nothing can make any difference, no word of love and care could help in making you feel any better, instead you start feeling pathetic with those kind words of concern. Human minds are very complex and sometimes we can completely fail in understanding our own attitudes, our own behaviors.

At times in our life, nothing makes sense yet we do some things out of curiosity, and well, bad luck, I must say.

No matter whatever happens, just believe in yourself and face the challenges of life like the cosmic creation you are! You are the supreme creation of this universe and are capable of achieving any end that could possibly exist and beyond that. Give yourself a moment of relaxation, let it rain on your pillow or hug a genuine friend/family member, who actually cares and values your tears, let your heart and lungs scream in a rhythm and then let yourself flow because sometimes, there’s beauty in the breakdown.

Vincent van Gogh: At Eternity’s Gate.

“There is a great difference between one idler and another idler. There is someone who is an idler out of laziness and lack of character, owing to the baseness of his nature. If you like, you may take me for one of those. Then there is the other kind of idler, the idler despite himself, who is inwardly consumed by a great longing for action who does nothing because his hands are tied, because he is, so to speak, imprisoned somewhere, because he lacks what he needs to be productive, because disastrous circumstances have brought him forcibly to this end. Such a one does not always know what he can do, but he nevertheless instinctively feels, I am good for something! My existence is not without reason! I know that I could be a quite a different person! How can I be of use, how can I be of service? There is something inside me, but what can it be? He is quite another idler. If you like you may take me for one of those.”

― Vincent van Gogh, The Letters of Vincent van Gogh.

Something in the Rain.

What could be merrier than waking up to the trickling sounds of raindrops?

One year ago, I watched a Korean Drama titled “Something in the Rain.” which I initially watched because of Jung Hae In, however, as the drama proceeded, I was like who Jung Hae In? I got so lost into the magnificently written storyline of the drama. The drama encompassed the story of a teenager who used to love one and only the best friend of his elder sister. Now the twist was that Juliet in this story, of course, was also older than Romeo. Their romance was full of ecstatic emotions and feelings which rendered me speechless to an extent that I can still watch that drama again and again. You must be wondering why am I suddenly being nostalgic over a drama. Well, I don’t know, but rain always reminds me of that particular drama for a reason unknown to me. I believe that rain plays a very significant role in love stories, be it the commencement of a perfect love story, the first magical kiss of two lovers amid the rain or the confession of love for each other while walking in the rain, hands in each others’ hands, or out of the blues, bidding each other the bitter last goodbye on one rainy morning.

She entered the campus wearing her favorite hot pink sheath dress that wrapped her body perfectly, like a fancy Christmas present ready to be delivered. He was standing in the hallway, as usual, and turned back with that perfect, innocent smile that he used to give her every morning. A rigid rock as she might appear to be, her heart used to melt like a tealight candle on the verge of volatility, pouring from head to heels, drop by drop. Around 3:00 pm it started pouring with all force. Stepping out of the cafe, they were going back to their classes but suddenly she asked him to just take a mini stroll before they head back home. He nodded and they started walking towards the busiest area of the campus. He was already holding her hand but after a while, his grip changed a bit as he slowed down and said, “You are my life.” What? she replied as if she didn’t hear anything, however, she did, of course. The girl who could hear him from rooms apart, how could she possibly not know whatever he said in that very moment.

“Stop!” she commanded, as bossy as she has ever been. “Stand still right here, and say it again!” Although he looked confused, yet smiled as charmingly as ever. “I mean this moment shall be dealt very seriously, such moments shall be made special and, of course, romantic.” she tried to give a justification of her strange behavior. “You are my life, and I hope to hear the same thing from your side very soon.” She definitely was on cloud nine, however, she replied in that hard-to-get kind of tone: “Okay, I will, but when it would rain next time. I promise I would stand in the very same place, holding your hand, with rain pouring on us just like today, and only then you would get to hear these historical lines by me.” Looking down, he smiled again and they started walking back towards their classes.

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They have this very unique but strong charisma. They turn the heads wherever they go together. They are like the two perfect picture frames with conjoining links that make it compulsory for them to be displayed together, otherwise, either of them would become meaningless. “Soulmates,” as they claim themselves to be, I am sure they are much more than that. Their love expands beyond the limits of the horizon, where the sea meets the sky, and elevates above the sky, encompassing the orbits of the celestial bodies floating in the universe.

 

The next day, she wore an alluring blue frock and regretted as she stepped out to see that it was still raining. She thought that it was fine as she would be staying indoors and thus her new frock would be saved from destruction. At the end of the day, as they were standing in the shade, watching the rain trickle down, making ripples in the voids among the tiles of the floor, she held his hand tightly and asked him to go for a walk with her. The girl who was always careful as in not to get her clothes and shoes wet was now all out and about for this stranger which shows that her heart has never been this happier ever before. When they reached that same place, where he poured his heart in front of her, she screamed to stop by putting her hands upon his shoulders. Hopping right in front of him, she sandwiched his hands between both her hands and said, “You are my life, see all the odds were in your favor and thus it started raining today as well. Are you happy now?” He nodded in agreement and a beautiful smile on his lips that made her heart as light as the clouds in the sky above them. She looked down at his shoes which were then completely drenched in water, she smiled to herself as if to say: “The stupid things we do in love are the most precious ones. Love is always spontaneous and never planned. Sudden moments of love and compassion are profoundly magical. Love is selfless and makes us do things that we won’t ever even do for our own selves.”  This was a walk to remember for them, as well as the start of a perfect love story.

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There have been many rainy days since then in their love story, all of them being equally memorable and precious. One evening as the sky became dark with heavy clouds and winds started to roar, they both stood on the terrace side by side. She turned on her camera to take a picture of that perfect winter-ish sky. She still remembers how all of a sudden, he subtly kissed her cheek. She remembers several rainy days where he didn’t leave her hand for a second to avoid her slipping off on the dampened ground. How they drank soup by availing a flat 50% discount offer on her favorite restaurant and munching on her favorite chop-suey which she initially thought of as uncooked noodles. How he suddenly stood up from the bench and went out in the rain when she was on the call, just to make her mad, but didn’t let her go in the rain by tickling her back on to the bench.

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They made adorable memories, like staring at the robot camera and wondering how it rotates and why does the pole move with the rotation, also naming their happy meal toys as they hug each other, playing with the snail as she commanded him to touch one of the snail’s eyes, but he, being too kind, refused to do so, she, coming back to kiss him the final goodbye as her reputation of “being a good kisser” was at stake. Sudden plans of going out on strolls and grabbing something to eat, watching a movie, buying things together, or destroying the furniture and crockery of the restaurants, each and every moment was magical in her life and she could never forget how important he was and is to her, by all means. Words can never suffice to express their ocean of infinite love and memories.

They say life is a bumpy road, but love is a total roller coaster ride, full of turns and twists, I add. The moment you feel like everything is finally smooth, something challenging joins the chat. In love, there are these moments of extreme joy and happiness that will make you feel like the luckiest human to ever exist, however, there would also be some overwhelming nights where your stomach would feel heavy and your sobs would choke you on your own tears.

On a beautiful rainy afternoon, when their smoldering hearts were bubbling with immense love, they had their first magical kiss under the blue sky, which was still pouring the liquor of joy and ecstasy as a toast to the celebration of love. He held her in his strong embrace, making her feel protected, and guarded by every evil who had taken birth in her life. She felt him, and every inch of him, which made her all his’. As their hearts continued to beat in a rhythm, she vowed to herself: “Till death do us part, I would stay in thy protection, I would always seek your light in the times of darkness, and in your embrace, shall I always find solace. I submit myself to you today, my body and soul, and I shall always love and cherish you till my last breath.” She did not move and stayed still, for she did not want to part with him ever again, she wanted to be a whole, a piece of perfection, a majestic composition with him. He is to her like the notes to the symphony, like the paints to a blank canvas, and as the sun to the sky. He is to her, a divine gift of God; A remarkable creation, and the epitome of perfection. She is absolutely in love with him.

 

The rain has proved to be a perfect backdrop, in the setting of their love story, an ancient relic on the front wall of their dream house, that is capable of invoking all the wholesome emotions and feelings like happiness, pleasure, tranquility, and ecstasy, however, rain can also make us feel melancholic and overwhelmed at times. Rain could bring joy when the foundations are strong, however, if the foundations have already weakened, the rain can bring immense damage.

It was an unusually cold summer morning when she woke up to the sound of merry trickles of rain. Right before her alarm started buzzing, she got a phone call from him. After an exchange of confusing and melancholic arguments, they decided not to talk again, for the sake of each other. As she bid him a heavy farewell, her heart ached a little, I think it was that vow of neverending love, that was shedding the tears of sorrow. After the phone call got disconnected, she sat on her bed for a while, lost in nostalgia. It was difficult for her to comprehend whatever had happened. 

“You have no idea how important timing is in a relationship.”

—Yoon Jin Ah, Something in the Rain.

“Sometimes, things need time, people need time, time to reflect upon the loop-holes, and learn from their mistakes so that when they finally get back together, they could love each other with more compassion and devotion and open heart than ever,” she thought. “Nonetheless, I shall keep on loving you my love, for my heart, has sworn upon a vow, a vow made from heart to heart. I will wait for you to come back to me like you used to do,” she murmured silently. Her heart kept shedding tears in solitude, as the rain continued to drizzle down her window, whispering the words of solace to her heart.

Whenever it would rain, she will think of him, its like rain is their symbol of love.

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Love is a strictly qualitative experience, it can increase quantitatively over time, but the quality takes time to improve. However, sometimes a person steps into your life at the right time, giving you the lifetime experience. This encounter becomes unforgettable and you lose yourself solely and completely in his thoughts. This is the person who will respect you, cherish you, sacrifice his own beliefs, his own ideologies, and attitudes for you. He won’t hesitate and make you a priority over everything and anything. The one who will be possessive about you but not to a toxic extent. He will make you feel like the perfect being of God and the ultimate shape of perfection. He will avoid everything and anything that could make you feel bad or bring your self-esteem down in any way. Although the definition of love, perfection, and criteria of judgment varies from person to person, however, if you ever find such a person (either he or she), remember that he could be the one! Don’t lose him.

 

Being a Blogger can be Toilsome Sometimes.

Being a blogger could be a devious job sometimes. There might be days where you won’t even get a second to make it to your typewriter (laptop in the modern terms), because either you are too sleepy or have so much else going on in life that keeps you occupied, and then, those days where there would be so much going on in your mind that you won’t be able to sleep a wink before dribbling your anticipation on the writing area of your blog. Being a blogger is one thing, being a dedicated blogger, another. There are a lot of meticulous writers out there who create delightful content every morning.

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They seem to me like those perfect artists who set up their typewriter on the kitchen table every morning, with a kettle full of bubbling tea on the stove. The sound of clinking silver utensils in the kitchen, along with the pulsating dark and light shadows of the ivy tree as the sunlight plays hide and seek with its leaves create spell-bound environs for a perfect composition. After pouring a generous amount of tea in a mug of their favorite majestic tea set, accompanied by crispy, golden hashbrowns, they settle comfortably in the chair and start typing while sipping and munching on their divine breakfast. Ps: Breakfast can vary from person to person depending upon what appeals to them the most. For instance, talking about myself, I would definitely prefer a greasy potato waffle oozing with cheddar cheese, along with a mason jar full of whipped cream over the cold coffee.

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I have always imagined myself to be such a writer, however, being a student and that too in this catastrophic phase of the 21st Century, the ideas of being such a writer and managing my workload efficiently don’t get along really well. I am insane, sleep-deprived, deadline-bound, and extremely irritated by the messed up schedule due to never-ending online classes. However, it doesn’t matter what we have idealized and fantasized about our lives, in fact, what matters the most is either we are living our life to its fullest or not? Are we getting the best out of it, learning new things, and encountering adventures unknown to our mind and body before or not?

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What if I can’t update my feed by posting new content every day? I get to sleep more hours than the average people, which is facilitating my dark circles, bound to cook and bake during the quarantine even if I don’t want to sometimes, enhance my baking expertise while meeting up with the bulk of deadlines everyday revamp my writing prowess. It is up to us how we look at the things around us, it is our perception of looking at the things that immensely shape up our life as either positive or vice versa. When we look at our dreams and future plans that have not come true yet or were skipped/missed somehow, we denote these voids either in the sense of “deprivation,” or in the sense of “opportunity to learn and experience something else, something new, maybe better.” 

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Most of us tend to set goals and make an elevated checklist of magnificent ambitions. It’s great to have goals, to plan one step ahead, and to dream big. However, dwelling so much into those ambitions that they start ruling your emotions and mental stability is toxic. Aim for a better tomorrow but try to make the best out of today. Make sure that your tomorrow is conjoined and linked with your present somehow because only then your life can transition smoothly from one phase to another, slowly and gradually. Aiming for the stars when you have just gotten out of the bed doesn’t make sense, does it? Obviously not! For that, you have to get up, knead your sparkling eyes that have just woken up from a peaceful stroll in the dreamland’s serene prairies, and prepare them to witness the same, dull reality of life. We shall take one step at a time to reach our final destination.

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Feeling lazy? Sleep. An overdose of energy is boosting up your morale? Do whatever you feel like investing your energies in. Do your homework, prepare for the quiz, complete your pending assignments, take a stroll in the evening, bake your favorite cake, relish on hearty dinner with your family, laugh your lungs out, do gardening, water your mini cactus, earn money, freelance, or simply make yourself a refreshing cup of coffee as a sweet treat because you deserve all the self-care, inner peace, and self-love in this world. Moreover, trust me it is not considered as the selfishness by any means. It is a physical and emotional need of every human but sadly, most of us don’t realize the rights of our body and mind. Amid the buzz of keeping everyone around us happy, meeting the deadlines, writing for others, making somebody’s day, texting to check up on others, cooking and baking to share the love and strengthen the family bonds, the infringement of these major rights lead us to inner dissatisfaction, which grows stronger and overwhelming with time, without us realizing the reason behind this distress. Do whatever makes you happy and that is the only secret ingredient that will make your cauldron of happiness bubble and bubble.

Adios,

xoxo.

Vincent van Gogh: Dear Theo.

“I know well that healing comes-if one is brave-from within, through profound resignation to suffering and death, through the surrender of your own will and of your self-love. But that is of no use to me; I love to paint, to see people and things and everything that makes our life-artificial, if you like. Yes, real life would be a different thing, but I do not belong to that category of souls who are ready to live and also at any moment to suffer. I am everything but courageous in sorrow, and everything but patient when I am not feeling well, though I have rather a good deal of patience in keeping to my work.”

― Vincent van Gogh, Dear Theo.