Have you ever felt completely detached from every relationship that ever existed in your life? Well, this is when you should realize that your life has been totally messed up. You start questioning your mere existence and start feeling insecure about yourself in every possible way. This is the point where your self-destruction starts. You cry from the inside and no matter how tempting it feels to cry, your tear buds cease to release the tiny drops of murdered emotions and brutal genocide of your expectations from every single person in your life. This is when you realize how big of a blessing “crying” is. You do cry but only when you know that there would be a shoulder who would come forward to provide you the comfort that you deserve. Yet at this point, when you are totally lost and when the home doesn’t feel like home anymore, but a cage where you wait desperately for the death to consume the pitiful remains, and the rotten flesh of yours.
This is the time when you start looking for the appropriate time and place to kill yourself, you get suicidal and start to hate yourself more than anything else in this world, however, being a coward that you are, you fail in this exam of suicide as well. Now all you could do is to pray that you don’t wake up the following morning.
“It’s like you are at home, all alone, and you have mistakenly slit open your throat, and now being unable to do anything, you are just watching your throat bleed, and with the rising pool of blood on the floor, your heart is sinking. Your hands and body are completely drenched in your blood, your body is shaking with horror, yet you are unable to move and make any sound. You want to cry for help but being aware of your loneliness, you give up on every hope and just sit, and watch yourself bleed to death, helplessly.”
Your heart is full of so much disappointment, that all you could do anymore is ‘self-blame.’ You want to disappear suddenly, leaving behind each and everything that you possess. You want to sit in silence, in a dark room, where not even a single shadow exists. It is the point when you realize why you saw the cutting scars on several wrists and arms and thought that you would never do such a thing to your beautiful arms. It is the point when in your mind, you completely detach yourself from everyone around you and don’t care if somebody abandons you or tries to shower you with their fake sympathies. It is like the end of your happiness, the end of the good times when you used to smile.
“It’s like you’re screaming, and no one can hear.”
How fascinating it is that all the relationships that once radiated warmth and unconditional love, now reek of rotten grudges, selfishness, and dirty gossips. The bonds which people swore upon their lives to be unbreakable are now merely a source of mockery. I can’t comprehend how mothers have turned into the biased creatures who could go to any extent just to prove you wrong. Sisters, who used to protect each other upon their lives, have turned against each other, started to exploit each other’s reputations just because they feel like doing so. Family, that is there to “help” each other out in the times of “need” are just interested in pointing fingers while you are still struggling with the pain of regret, and guilt, and are dying to be heard out.
The worst situation that a living being can be put into is accusing him without knowing the back story, to doubt him without asking for the justification, to criticize him without hearing his side of the story, his explanation. If somebody has an issue, we help them out because sometimes we are the last hope that the person is holding on to. We are the last link that has been keeping him alive, and awake for so long. I marvel at how judgmental people have become in this world that they are totally blinded towards the amount of pain the other person is. Temper issues, extreme reactions, and irritant nature are the surplus of image tarnishing, constant criticism, false accusations, refusal to help, and character assassination. It’s not that the character assassination is done by strangers, but it starts at home. When a mother shouts at one child in front of his siblings, when she discusses the problems of her child with other people, when she criticizes her child in front of others, thus humiliating the child to an extent where it becomes normal for him to humiliate and be humiliated, when she asks other siblings to spy on him instead of asking him what the matter is, when she discusses one child with his siblings and never, for once tries to come to that child himself, treating him with the respect and dignity that he deserves as a human.
No matter how irresponsible, careless, and cold-hearted a child can become, he always looks upon his family, mother, in particular, to treat him with affection. A mother, if she doesn’t express how she feels towards her child, might gradually detach him from herself. It is true that a mother suffers a lot while giving birth and raising a child to his adulthood, yet that is no excuse to treat your child like complete garbage. It is no excuse to make your child totally retarded and insecure. It is not right to make him feel left out and all alone, it is totally unfair to make him want to die rather than see the face of his family. Isn’t the cold and brutal world out there enough to make your child feel like the most horrible person alive? Isn’t the world out there enough to humiliate him and criticize him for every little mistake he has ever made? Isn’t the world out there enough to kill your child?
Its funny how a lot of children die of suicide or nervous breakdown due to parental pressure and toxic judgment without any compensation from the family. After their child is gone, parents wish they had known it earlier, they wish to be aware of the pain and distress their child was combating, the war he was fighting within himself. Life isnt easy already and most of us struggle a lot either because we have made wrong choices in the past or because we are totally confused as in how to deal with life and its challenges. Such people are already the weaklings who need support of other people, especially their family, and if they fail to find that care, attention and acceptance in the family, they look outside for filling this void. A “compensation” is something that we all need for our losses and deprivation. Mostly, parents criticize their children for their attachment with the strangers while detaching themselves from their family. However, such parents should actually think that what made their child feel so left out that he needed a stranger’s shoulder to cry on? What made their child feel so lonely that he was not comfortable in coming and speaking his heart out in front of you? What made your child feel so sad that despite a huge, apparently happy family, your child needed to talk to a stranger to vent out whatever was killing him from the inside? You have no right to point fingers at others if you were not there when they needed you the most.
It is really easy to criticize a human for the mistakes he has committed their irreversable consequences, yet one should always ask a question, “what were you doing while I was struggling?”