“I’m always inclined to believe that the best way of knowing [the divine] is to love a great deal. Love that friend, that person, that thing, whatever you like, you’ll be on the right path to knowing more thoroughly, afterwards; that’s what I say to myself. But you must love with a high, serious intimate sympathy, with a will, with intelligence, and you must always seek to know more thoroughly, better, and more.”
Every night, under the faint constellations of the twilight, there sit many nyctophiles in search of solace by summoning their ancient state of silence. To them, silence isn’t just a feeling, but an emotion. An emotion embedded in every layer of their body, their soul, as if their skin is pierced by a sharp dagger, it would bleed black, dark, melancholic blood. Let me take you back to the times when hourglasses were shedding their grains and clocks were ticking loud enough but you couldn’t see or hear them. Floating into your mother’s womb; your eyes closed and arms wrapped around your own tiny chest, you were away from this worldly chaos. You stayed in that silent, dark womb for nine months or maybe less if your mother’s water broke before the date of your arrival in this world. Ravishing on the tranquility, away from all the clamoring, layer by layer your body was built, in silence, away from the sight of any kind; in sheer secrecy.
Every time when the waning crescent takes its last breath and the new moon is born, at that night, the universe reconciles the inner peace with the outer silence. When the twinkle of moonlight is nowhere to be heard and the glimmer of the constellations is mild, silence blows its horn, summoning all at peace. The Renaissance of human nature takes place with the labor of Luna. The emanating moon ravishes on the silence inside our chests and with a sharp gleam, a flashback of our tiny arms wrapped around our body, eyelids glued together by skin, ears tucked inwards and floating in the complete vacuum; body curled into a bean hits the back of our minds. Shuddering our heads, we stand in awe, heads up towards the sky, eyes closed as were initially. It feels like that same, dark vacuum; the starry world at night where we stand alone in the solace of silence. The silence there was, and Silence is all there is.
I could literally hear the sound of my dreams shattering, life colliding and circumstances and experiences pounding against the walls, but silence lasts like forever because it emerges from the inside, from under the layers of our skin, pores of our body and shreds of our flesh.
Silence is an emotion that can never die, it is always there right inside us. In the silence, we find solace because it is when we can be our best versions and ponder on the spontaneity of our emotions and thoughts. Silence is mostly associated with night and commonly synonymized with peace, and thenceforth, I believe both share a deep connection.
Without an earthly interruption, away from all the worldly jangles, we standstill as the universe grants us the voice of silence. Some of us, who dwell in nights, either by staring at the Milkyway, strolling under the dark sky, or dancing to the rhythm of the night, might know about this strange feeling of sweet ecstasy. It may sound like an illusion or a made-up fiction story to most of the party animals out there, but loners and midnight dwellers can all feel it inside them. This feeling is when something clutches our stomach softly, and all of a sudden the world freezes and all we could hear is the sound of breeze hushing on the highways miles away from where you stand. It is like a dancing hurricane emerging somewhere far behind.
Tranquility nests in our heart and it beats louder than usual, synchronizing its every beat with the rhythm of the fading twilight. We become so full of our ecstatic feelings, raw emotions and purity of self that an orgasm of ecstasy ascends us to the highest point of pleasure. The universe sheds a tear of joy, constellation contracts and expands wildly when Luna takes birth and shines the brightest terminating our ecstatic hearing of silence.
Have you ever felt completely detached from every relationship that ever existed in your life? Well, this is when you should realize that your life has been totally messed up. You start questioning your mere existence and start feeling insecure about yourself in every possible way. This is the point where your self-destruction starts. You cry from the inside and no matter how tempting it feels to cry, your tear buds cease to release the tiny drops of murdered emotions and brutal genocide of your expectations from every single person in your life. This is when you realize how big of a blessing “crying” is. You do cry but only when you know that there would be a shoulder who would come forward to provide you the comfort that you deserve. Yet at this point, when you are totally lost and when the home doesn’t feel like home anymore, but a cage where you wait desperately for the death to consume the pitiful remains, and the rotten flesh of yours.
This is the time when you start looking for the appropriate time and place to kill yourself, you get suicidal and start to hate yourself more than anything else in this world, however, being a coward that you are, you fail in this exam of suicide as well. Now all you could do is to pray that you don’t wake up the following morning.
“It’s like you are at home, all alone, and you have mistakenly slit open your throat, and now being unable to do anything, you are just watching your throat bleed, and with the rising pool of blood on the floor, your heart is sinking. Your hands and body are completely drenched in your blood, your body is shaking with horror, yet you are unable to move and make any sound. You want to cry for help but being aware of your loneliness, you give up on every hope and just sit, and watch yourself bleed to death, helplessly.”
Your heart is full of so much disappointment, that all you could do anymore is ‘self-blame.’ You want to disappear suddenly, leaving behind each and everything that you possess. You want to sit in silence, in a dark room, where not even a single shadow exists. It is the point when you realize why you saw the cutting scars on several wrists and arms and thought that you would never do such a thing to your beautiful arms. It is the point when in your mind, you completely detach yourself from everyone around you and don’t care if somebody abandons you or tries to shower you with their fake sympathies. It is like the end of your happiness, the end of the good times when you used to smile.
“It’s like you’re screaming, and no one can hear.”
How fascinating it is that all the relationships that once radiated warmth and unconditional love, now reek of rotten grudges, selfishness, and dirty gossips. The bonds which people swore upon their lives to be unbreakable are now merely a source of mockery. I can’t comprehend how mothers have turned into the biased creatures who could go to any extent just to prove you wrong. Sisters, who used to protect each other upon their lives, have turned against each other, started to exploit each other’s reputations just because they feel like doing so. Family, that is there to “help” each other out in the times of “need” are just interested in pointing fingers while you are still struggling with the pain of regret, and guilt, and are dying to be heard out.
The worst situation that a living being can be put into is accusing him without knowing the back story, to doubt him without asking for the justification, to criticize him without hearing his side of the story, his explanation. If somebody has an issue, we help them out because sometimes we are the last hope that the person is holding on to. We are the last link that has been keeping him alive, and awake for so long. I marvel at how judgmental people have become in this world that they are totally blinded towards the amount of pain the other person is. Temper issues, extreme reactions, and irritant nature are the surplus of image tarnishing, constant criticism, false accusations, refusal to help, and character assassination. It’s not that the character assassination is done by strangers, but it starts at home. When a mother shouts at one child in front of his siblings, when she discusses the problems of her child with other people, when she criticizes her child in front of others, thus humiliating the child to an extent where it becomes normal for him to humiliate and be humiliated, when she asks other siblings to spy on him instead of asking him what the matter is, when she discusses one child with his siblings and never, for once tries to come to that child himself, treating him with the respect and dignity that he deserves as a human.
No matter how irresponsible, careless, and cold-hearted a child can become, he always looks upon his family, mother, in particular, to treat him with affection. A mother, if she doesn’t express how she feels towards her child, might gradually detach him from herself. It is true that a mother suffers a lot while giving birth and raising a child to his adulthood, yet that is no excuse to treat your child like complete garbage. It is no excuse to make your child totally retarded and insecure. It is not right to make him feel left out and all alone, it is totally unfair to make him want to die rather than see the face of his family. Isn’t the cold and brutal world out there enough to make your child feel like the most horrible person alive? Isn’t the world out there enough to humiliate him and criticize him for every little mistake he has ever made? Isn’t the world out there enough to kill your child?
Its funny how a lot of children die of suicide or nervous breakdown due to parental pressure and toxic judgment without any compensation from the family. After their child is gone, parents wish they had known it earlier, they wish to be aware of the pain and distress their child was combating, the war he was fighting within himself. Life isnt easy already and most of us struggle a lot either because we have made wrong choices in the past or because we are totally confused as in how to deal with life and its challenges. Such people are already the weaklings who need support of other people, especially their family, and if they fail to find that care, attention and acceptance in the family, they look outside for filling this void. A “compensation” is something that we all need for our losses and deprivation. Mostly, parents criticize their children for their attachment with the strangers while detaching themselves from their family. However, such parents should actually think that what made their child feel so left out that he needed a stranger’s shoulder to cry on? What made their child feel so lonely that he was not comfortable in coming and speaking his heart out in front of you? What made your child feel so sad that despite a huge, apparently happy family, your child needed to talk to a stranger to vent out whatever was killing him from the inside? You have no right to point fingers at others if you were not there when they needed you the most.
It is really easy to criticize a human for the mistakes he has committed their irreversable consequences, yet one should always ask a question, “what were you doing while I was struggling?”
“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person died for no reason.”
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery― isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”